i've been hurt before: but never like this

CHANGE! i'm probably going through the biggest change in my life right now. i have to pack up the place that i was born, raised and loved in. the place i helped build with my own hands, the place i became a part of. anyone can leave a house, but it's leaving a home that's the hardest part. in packing up, i'm finding things i'd thought i'd forgotten - memories i'd buried, scars i'd tried to heal on my own, people i'd swore i'd forget. it's all raw emotion, all at once, no sympathy.

then again, change is supposed to be good, right? a fresh start?

if you asked me last year where i saw myself in a year, i would tell you straight away that this wasn't it. everything i am right now is nothing like i thought it would have been. the way things are in general are nothing like i thought they would be. to see people i couldn't live without last year walk away and become strangers, to see people that were once strangers mean more than the world to me. seeing time fly in the blink of an eye and feeling like nothing changes - feeling like everything has stayed the same throughout these days, yet looking back at where i was around this time last year, and everything different. it only makes me wonder about next year.

but no matter what happens, how things change, chin up ..

everything will be okay

last ones standing.

if you have ever looked back on old photos, playlists, letters, anything that sparks a memory - you know the feeling.
i was walking past a friends house the other week and saw the sale sign out the front. having him move away still seems so surreal, probably because he was hardly at school anyway?! but i still remember the first time i stepped into his house. haha yea it's jarrad. i went home and pulled out a letter he wrote me and looked at pictures we'd taken and listened to a song that was ours, and cried. it's not the distance that really bothered me, it was the massive impact the move had on our friendship, the way it had developed over the years and the way it began to fall apart. and how hard would it be to try and repair it to it's peak if he lived in another state. makes me sad to think. i also think a part of me will always have room for him, but i really can't describe the feeling way i intend to.

isn't it funny how things change?

it got me thinking about other friendships that had broken. there was one that was always a bit on the rocks, but the whole thing came to a screaming halt at the end of november. i mean, where the hell are some peoples standards and morals?! and now i look like the bad guy, but whatever, i know where i stand annd other peoples insecurities aren't my problem.
think about respect, along with trust and reputation. they are the hardest things to gain, and the easiest thing to lose.
ahhhh it's a huge stab in the heart -

watching somebody turn into the person they swore they'd never become

that feeling, when you’re angry at yourself.

not at someone else, but at yourself.

because you opened your heart to somebody that couldn’t be trusted.

and then somebody else comes along and you feel alive again, but then there’s always that voice in the back of your head that tells you to be careful

and then you let your guard down, and then you get scared and start shutting them out.

and they leave.

and it’s all your fault, even though it was somebody else that made you this way.

a new start, a new chapter

sometimes it really takes a good fall to know where you stand.

i fell, and i'm standing. i feel alive again
and the other thing? i'm learning not to sweat the small stuff. the past few months have been about finding strength within myself - not looking to others for it.

in finding myself, i'm learning to love again, something which i thought would be impossible..

and i found it where i least expected to

if you're trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy - unless you want everybody to be happy except you

and being happy is the best feeling ever,

i would know
because i've found happiness again

we should get jerseys, cause we make a good team

it's been one of those days again. it started off like shit and now im singing.
i even feel like dancing, if i could dance?
i think that maybe it's all thanks to you. look back a few months ago and i thought happiness was impossible to feel again. i'm not saying that everything's stuck together like glue, but i'm picking up the pieces, and i don't know if you realise how much easier you're making that for me.
here comes the feeling you thought you forgot, but this time it's a good one (:
THANKYOU !!

alone again, inevitably.

i hate that feeling you get. of regret, cos of your own indecision. and i feel kinda tragic dissecting my decisions over a tub of nutella.
the truth is: i'm lonely. having someone there for so long and then all of a sudden, nothing? it makes you realise how much you've lost.
i have no doubt that i can get by all on my own.. it's just how well i can do it that kinda scares me.
i've been told so many times that it gets easier with time.. and just how long is that going to take?
to tell you the truth.. i miss having someone there during the nights. because my nights just seem so much longer now.
but still.. everything will be okay, right?

our indescribable summer.

... and our holidays draw to a close. i can't stop thinking about everything that's happened this summer. i literally spend my whole year waiting for the summer holidays, so i expected this year's break to be pretty big. what i wasn't expecting was to get my heart broken in advance. it was shit, yea, but - it just happened to make my holidays the best so far. it gave me a reason to let loose, have fun and make mistakes that i won't regret. and did i? i spent nearly every night going out, meeting boys, drinking more than i should, going to parties, throwing parties, making friends and i was even in a fight one night haha. most of this was done with amanda. the best person that it could be done with ;) it had to come to an end eventually though. i kept putting my family, friends and health on the line.
it's really been one to learn from. i wasn't used to spending so much time alone, i learnt so much about myself.
i've also figured out that i run like the weather. my mood changes all the time and there's nothing i can do about that. but what i know now, is that
even in the depths of winter, inside me is an invincible summer.
i might not be able to make my own day, but that doesn't ever mean that i won't be able to make days of all the people i care about.
and so while i've learnt so much this summer?
i guess i'm still learning.